I returned to my therapist last weekend.

I feel I can write that in an expectation that you, dear reader, will respond with an ‘oh, yes’ of recognition. But I do want at least to try to check my privilege before I start, like adjusting the rear-view mirror before I signal. It does seem that ‘just about everyone’ – which really means the people I am aware of in my limited and privileged little bubble – has been to a therapist, or currently has therapy, or at the least knows someone who has done so. It’s like gym membership these days. And yes, like gym membership, its normalisation is also an indicator of relative wealth (and available time). I know I am lucky to have the option. {Release handbrake, manoeuvre.)

I lost my temper in inappropriate circumstances, which is enough of a warning bell for anyone, so I got in touch again with my rather wonderful therapist. She appeared unruffled by the idea that I might come and shout at her, and offered a date and time. Of course, I did not shout at her: in the session, I can express myself: the word comes from the Latin ex (out) and pressare, to press or push. I can ‘heave my heart into my mouth’ and relieve the internal pressure. I don’t need to shout any more when someone listens attentively and can show they are engaging with what I am saying.

At the end of the session, she told me that what I said made sense. This was a second level of comfort: when the plethora of ever-accelerating thoughts in my mind really gets going and becomes a mental tornado, then – to continue the metaphor – I feel I may be becoming uprooted from the foundations of rationality. Like Dorothy’s house, I can see myself spinning madly away and then, well we just aren’t in Kansas any more. But apparently what I said made sense.

The only thing my therapist couldn’t offer me was a solution. I didn’t expect her to.

At least we acknowledged the problem. Facing up to something is a good start. Yes, sometimes things sort themselves out without being faced up to, but I think that’s rare. Taking the messy emotional mix of one’s experience, setting it down somewhere, and sort of walking round it, that’s the first stage. I nearly wrote ‘first step’ but of course walking round it is several steps, to get all the way round and consider it properly. Which suggests it is – and I find it to be – a very good start.

The practice itself is calming; it converts me from victim to problem solver. Building a richer understanding of just what’s going on, an understanding both more integrated and more discrete, means I can then define the choices that are available to me. For there is always, always, something I can do, even if it is working out how to endure. But usually there is much more than that.

It seems to me that most choices are partial, intermediate. Maybe I can set a destination, but it’s rare that I can travel all the way in one stage. It’s more likely, more realistic, to think I can orientate myself and take one, maybe two steps, in this dark wood.

For making a choice itself changes things. I take a step and my surroundings change. I can see a little further forward and the ground underfoot may be different or the canopy above me is lighter. Or darker, of course and my movement may disturb something in the undergrowth. It is, however, at least a step in what I think is the right direction.

Basically, in solving one problem, I create consequences and the chances are they include a new set of problems. So I am further along and also need to start again. Hence the blog title. It’s repetitive and recursive. Turtles all the way down;  problems all the way along.

Or, more positively – and that’s what I am trying to focus on – it is the challenge and chance to address these problems. That struck me as a not-unwelcome philosophy.

And, of course, something else has changed as well. I am now a little different. I am someone who has taken a step. There is always the hope that I am becoming more skilled at problem solving. If I am not, yet, then luckily there are infinite opportunities ahead of me to become better.

Problem solving all the way.